существование

существование This is our word of the week. Let's repeat. существование For those of you unfamiliar with Russian, let's sound it out. Su-shest-vo-VAN-e-ye, and it means, simply "existence." I learn a lot from my students, and this week, a Russian student of mine commented "This isn't a life, this is существование." I try, in teaching, to never let my cynicism take over. I try not to throw up my hands and let the darker sides of me run rampant, but at that moment, when I had stopped teaching, and started trying to just make this student smile, his words struck me. Not because I feel so sorry for him, or that I wanted to, in that peppy, American, just-do-it spirit, correct his soulful, Russian default, but because so many times I'm attacked by the same malaise. Who knows who is reading this? Perhaps a friend. Perhaps family. Perhaps a future or current employer who will somehow hold me to account for these words. The point is, when I write, I feel that veil of существование lift, and the beauty of life enter. I stopped blogging because I didn't like the negativity consuming me, and I didn't want it to poison my words. I see now, though, that writing is the antidote to such emotions. I miss it. I miss it dearly. I will most likely abandon this blog and start a new one unconnected to my identity so that I can express myself more honestly. If you would like to come along, let me know.